A Cold Front (AKA Spring Hurts)

Up in my nest when the winds Δ Northward they do not do so in a whisper.

The hints of Spring have been incredibly unwelcome, because with them comes the knot in m my stomach that never leaves.

Not a day ever passes without the constant presence of my Onlies, and Fall – I won’t say the A word – is tough, of course, but there is at least a little peace between me and them.

It is so different with E2W.

Einstein’s birthday takes the constant pain and makes it unbearable. It never even rests. Not for a moment.

I’m doing the whole syncope thing again, and other than just some permanent brain damage, which would suck, I worry that I could fall wrong – because I fall hard, just pass out cold with nothing to brace the falls – but because I know both from the generalized accepted truism and very personal experience as well, that losing a parent with whom you have not made peace, despite whatever lack of Give A Shit you have when they’re alive completely sucks,  and I don’t want any of my 3 Onlies to feel that, but with E2W especially, I can’t stand the thought of him feeling guilty or enduring any more pain than he has already endured. He has had it worse than the other two, and he is so good and so kind that I just cannot stand the thought of him feeling bad, or feeling like anything is unfinished.

The feelings we feel for our parents are buried so deep, and like a strand of our core DNA unwinding, when they die you will feel feelings that you could never have known you had. Like a song from forever ago that you couldn’t sing if someone held a gun to your head but when you hear it on the radio you know every word even though it was only on the radio for two months twenty years ago, except that song is not a dumb song, but the very foundation of your emotional core.

That.

So I am going to say here, in case: if anything happens, I love you every day and you are sweet and perfect and I know that you love me. Nothing could ever change that.

But nothing is going to happen to me. We have too many good years of bugging each other left. The payoff is coming, my angel. It’s coming.

Plus, I’m way too big a bitch to die like that. Hell, I don’t kill easy. And I don’t plan on going any damn where until I know that you know all the things you need to know. I want you to tell me every story I never got to hear.

Now, North Winds, BLOW!

BTW, E2W, you like Twenty-One Pilots?

I fucking miss you.

giants-of-the-sun-cameron-gray

 

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