[Tear Down the Wall]
–let your memories grow stronger and stronger, till they’re before your eyes–
August 29, 2008:
“I know you’ll always love me no matter what. It’s not the same with him.”
Like “Extraordinary Machine” is my theme song, I have secretly cherished one, 27 second scene from Braveheart and never ceased to see it and hear it in my mind. For what, now? How long has it been?
My foxholes I no longer dig to cowardly depths.
I had to.
Any martyr complex I may ever have had disappeared because I knew I had to survive long enough to fight when the time came, or my entire life would have been lived in vain.
But now, after all that time doing something so antithetical my nature that at times I thought I might actually implode, the time is now.
Every moment of my unbelievable training course of a life has prepared me. I’m still definitely scared shitless, but that’s okay.
Since I can remember I had this feeling that I needed a calling. A purpose.
The only problem is that I had no idea what it might be; only that must not involve monetary gain and that I wanted it to serve the goals of justice and humanity without which everything is destroyed.
Then, of course, I became older, and I knew that seemed totally crazy.
Sometimes I even doubted.
But never for long.
Then, for a while, as something inside me CLICKED on like a trigger in a code, I began feeling this constant check of concern about the “ego” factor. To feel shame in thinking that way, as if it meant I had some outsized ego – something which I know is a weak spot genetically and historically for me.
Then I made peace with it when I realized that it is not about me.. The soul knows no persons. I am simply a worker bee. But worker bees are the stitching that holds together the very quilt of the universe.
I give you my one of my Theme Clips. ((Although I redo the scene in my imagination in a zillion different ways, of course, my favorite being my Joan of Arc alternate version.)
My imagination is really fucking limitless and I would say that single trait is as directly related to my purpose, my job, my mission, my calling; as any other single trait.
“Well, we didn’t get dressed up for nothing.”