Who are my allies and who are my enemies?
Update: everyone is where they should be.
Let’s go.Read on if you wish, but know this:
The Following Angst Is Now Gone
The fundamental question begins with a huge problem for me, because I don’t like the word enemy.
I’m a bleeding heart who loves the Lincoln quote
“I destroy my enemies when I make them my friends.”
And manage to keep disconnected the fact that he oversaw the greatest American bloodletting in our short history. There are righteous causes where righteous anger is central, and I know that, but it still scares the hell out of me. It seems like too close a flirtation with hate. Hate is a blackness I like to keep as much distance from as possible.
But it’s a poorly formed question anyway, because the usually paired opposite of enemy is friend, not ally. Friendship is not required of an ally anymore than enemy status be conveyed on an adversary.
But I’m beating around the bush. Because it’s easier than dealing with the loss of faith in someone. Not a friend, but someone I certainly saw as an ally, because she showed great integrity, strength, and kindness. (The whole friend thing is judged much differently and I find it pretty much impossible to disown anyone, even when I unquestionably should.) I got to hope that a slip on this person’s part was an anomaly, and I’m sad, just really fucking sad, to be honest, that I can’t hold onto that thread anymore. And she is not an enemy and never will be. Not in my mind. I don’t know where to put her. Actually, I do, and that’s why I’m sad.
I put her aside. And once my feelings aren’t quite so hurt I will try to figure out how to do that in the most strategically beneficial way possible, and deal with the pain-in-the-ass process of rearranging things because she occupies a permanent piece of the machinery.
Here’s the thing that kind of scares me: I think the unbridled
is necessary and even advantageous. And that scares me. Like, a lot.